Aubade

her smile was disarming

unprepared, I

told myself to be charming

after all, what's the harm in-

making me happy,

but to my heart it was alarming

wasn't prepared for this road to the light

got so comfortable in my relation to the night

that I blinked,

began to think,

'tried to make it right

turned my head, focused my eyes,

the feelings I tried to fight

fate had me at 1st runner-up,

but I won in the sun,

-love at 2nd sight.

Playing Games...

So I was in an email discussion that was posed to men about why it seemed like [we] play so many games when it comes to relationships. My answer was that a man may play in a particular instance but not with every women he becomes romantically linked to. I was then asked to clarify what I meant. Below is my response.

"I don't mean games as in intentionally leading someone on for the sake of whatever; I mean in simply not being on the same page, caring less than the girl might depending on the situation. A lot of it I would attribute to the need for control of the situation. Emotions are one of the few things that you cannot control. When a guy who likes control starts to lose his emotions to a woman who has worked her womanly wiles on him, he might pull back a little bit. A lot of guys self-sabotage relationships unintentionally because of this. They dont mean to do so, but they try to wean themselves a little bit in order to avoid a dependency that they fear might arise in the future. What might come across as playing games might really be the fluctuation between emotive actions and actions based on thought. Its like a pendulum, becoming hard to read. Until, of course, control is wrested from you willingly when you decided to include trust into the equation. Trust on both ends, mind you: trust that she wont hurt you and that she has your best intentions at hand and trust that you yourself (the guy) can be faithful in both regards- in the reciprocation of feelings as well as in practicing fidelity."

It is my belief that the failure to be forthcoming stems from the innate human need to protect oneself. In all walks of life one can find instances where they are not completely honest with another individual, or with themselves for that matter. A lot of people may don the "I dont care" attitude when deep inside they know that they do. The surrender of your heart is a choice that you don't always make for yourself, which can be extremely frustrating. In order to balance that a lot of thought is introduced into the batter of feelings. Stir in trust and doubt, fear and fearlessness. In the end you get a product that is balanced, necessary even. Now if only I could convince the rest of the world to strive for this balance then maybe there wouldn't be so many games to play, nor as many participants...

I think entirely too much for my own good

If, for a moment in time I were able to reflect on the mistakes that I have made and possibly change them, I can honestly say that I would be infinitely torn between accepting them as "lessons learned" or classifying them as "pain to be avoided";for I have been a guilty bystander in the ongoing feud between my mind and my heart. I have been traitorous to both sides, using convenience of outcome as the determiner of choice. Sometimes I think and sometimes I feel. More confusing even, sometimes I think I feel. Confused? Do be.

I have noticed that oftentimes when my heart gets into the realm of adoration, my mind seeks to pump its perpetual brakes in order to get some semblance of reality. This is often brought up when going "past the point of no return" is entertained and the possibility of turning into salt happens when I look forward.

Have you ever been in a situation where things seem TOO perfect? Some people thrive off of drama, I am convinced. Some people need ripples in the lake, we all should, for motion is the only indicator of progression (or regression depending on your position in the wind). I am convinced that perfection is an ideal that we have no idea about. I digress.

I honestly don't want to proceed in a direction that seems to have an inevitable road block at the end of the road; I want a winding path that had no end in sight. If I saw that, then I would throw my worries to the wind and whatever come what may!!! (-sigh-, I wish it were that easy; I’m just too analytical)

But that, along with the light reservations that I have about MY ability to love the way that I dream about; with a messy, inconvenient, imperfect quality that thrives under pressure because there’s the promise of a diamond, or that wilts and succumbs to the heat only because that’s the only way that gold can be purified. What is it worth and what does it measure up to? I don’t have an exact figure, but time will tell.

I want to be able to look into the horizon and know that the day that I can grasp it in my palms is the day that will signify the end of my relationship. The wonderful thing about that is, simply put, you can’t ever grasp the horizon, it’s physically impossible.

That's the beauty in the tease of a mirage...you can see it and convince yourself that you can feel it, but it can't be touched. Maybe my methods are flawed...maybe instead of reaching out I should've reached IN. Naa...that would be too much like right.

Misdiagnosis

Because I have gotten to a point in my life where I appreciate my past experiences, both good and bad, I try not to look back on them with regret. But allow me to reflect upon a lesson that I wish I didn't have to learn the hard way.

There was no start date to the relationship. It went from subtle flirtation to the blossoming of feelings in 6 or 7 heartbeats. She was a sweet young lady, extremely talented and gifted with a lot going for her. I believe that my oversight lay in the ever-present sign of trouble surrounding her. She was very confrontational and used every opportunity (it seemed) to ruffle my feathers. Now most people that know me have, ironically, rarely or never seen me angry before. But there were times when my emotions bordered on rage when I was with her. I have a lot of female friends, and this was a fact that she was never okay with. The arguments caused by this simple fact were too numerable to count, her frustration taking its form in an ultimatum when while driving she told me that if I mentioned my closest female friends' name one more time that she would get out of the car and walk home.

As you can imagine, I was thoroughly incensed.

It's no secret that the relationship was tumultuous and very trying for me. A number of times I prayed for understanding, for patience, for resolve. I thought that loving someone enough and being there would be enough to shake them out of the way that they are. My mother told me that "men see women as they are and women see men as they could be." This meant that women seemed to have the foresight to see the potential that a man can grow into, and that men relegate women to where they are in life, indefinitely. I, for one, did not want to perpetuate this myth, so I looked upon the caterpillar and dreamed of the butterfly. My mistake was in thinking that I had the power to accelerate her metamorphosis. Silly Me.

No matter how much I loved her and showed her that I was different, that I was sincere, that I was me, there was still a point of disconnect. There was something there that could prove injurious to me over time; it was my stubbornness. I didn't want to give up. It seemed like everyone else in her life did, and I didn't want to be the next person to proceed through the revolving door. After all the "I love you's" and "You know how much I care about you's," how could I? But my health was taking a toll as a result of the stress that I endured.

I am by nature a person who has no problem proving his loyalty. I am a man of my word and I try to be forthcoming. I provide honesty that is cradled in the graceful grasp of tact as much as possible. It was in this vein that I had to end this relationship before I lost more than I could bear. I asked her that fateful night, "Is what we have greater than what we have to overcome?" She couldn't answer that question and that was the all the response that I needed. Where was the misdiagnosis you ask? Simply put, I placed kisses where hugs should have been; I tried to be her man when all I should've been was her friend.

Indifference Can (at times) Make All the Difference

Have you ever shown someone "affective attention" only to be thwarted in your advances? Not overtly, mind you, but politely pushed aside? A lot of people have experienced being casually yet carefully placed into "friend mode," - an involuntary movement from a point of interest to a point of harmless. How so, you ask? Imagine liking someone and showing them your obvious feelings but there is a lack of reciprocation on their end. Imagine you doing this for a while and then you get frustrated by your thwarted attempts and you stop. You move on. And then it happens: they wake up.

They began to get used to the attention that you showed them and it did something to them. It fed their ego; it placed confidence in their storehouse of insecurity; but the strangest thing of all, it worked. Unintentionally, mind you, but still its so strange. All that work that you put in to no avail, but then because they need an "attention fix" here they are calling YOU? Wow. Talk about karma. But don't get excited, because its not YOU that they want...its the attention that you so graciously bestowed upon them. Be polite because they're fishing for what you've been up to since youve taken their precious attention away. Be cordial as they stumble over conversation that they weren't prepared to have. They've showed you their hand. You've moved on to brighter things and they come right out of the blue (pun intended). But you don't do blue anymore, do you? No. You're different, better yet (pun intended once again), you're indifferent.

And they can't (under)stand it.

Irony

"Irony is a beautifully chaotic beast that binds itself in our words and deeds and wrests our minds unto the point of epiphany."- Olu Burrell

I created that statement on yesterday when an associate of mine, whom had recently elected to forego our friendship, provided a point of logic behind her reasoning. Her response was as follows:

" 'it's sort of a self-preservation thing, you see. ~Love, Actually' "

This irritated me and pulled me in different directions.

Part of me scoffed at using a line from a movie instead of using one's own words. It was so impersonal, and yet the situation was anything but. I wanted to be spiteful in my words...to speak in measured tones that echoed my frustration.

Part of me was angry, but it would be a fruitless anger, so I let it go.

Part of me laughed.

Part of me didn't care.

But another part of me wondered why I cared so much.

All of me was inspired. To write, no less.

The lightbulb that signified eureka went out when the filaments, -pardon me, feelaments, shorted out.

Be prepared to witness the muted cacophany that is genious.